At least not my plan.
Last weekend I spent Saturday in the ER. Monday my doctor told me it was time for me to have a hysterectomy. My surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday.
It's all very strange. For a long time, I didn't even want children. I never had baby dolls growing up. To be quite honest, I don't even like babies very much. I felt like having a child was the right thing to do and so my husband and I did, thankfully. If it wan't for the influence of my religion I don't think I would have had children at all. And that would've been a grave mistake on my part.
|"Happy Uterus" by primavera777|
I have one child and he is amazing. Yes, I'm his mother and of course I'm biased. But seriously, he is the quirkiest, funniest and sweetest being on the planet. He was born a class clown and lives to make people laugh. For example, we were outside playing baseball and he was dressed up in a superhero cape and mask. A UPS truck went by and he yelled at the driver, "Stop! STOP!" The driver ignored him and left. He groaned and said, "I wanted him to see that I am beautiful and that I'm a superhero."
He's also extremely smart and a hard worker. Lately he's been working on speaking well, even though his dad and I think he speaks fine for a four year old. I'll catch him saying words over and over until he says them right. This past week his big accomplishments were saying "cinnamon toast" and "octopus" perfectly. Really.
|"Mama's Little Boy" vintage photograph by Ephemera Obscura|
For the past two days, every time I see a cute child or a child's outfit I like (specifically a little dress) I just can't help but become sad. The sight of this on Pinterest nearly brought me to tears. Seriously. And to think, I thought I never really wanted a girl! Last night I had a good long cry after everyone went to bed. I started to think I didn't even deserve to feel sad since I was so reluctant to be a mom. In fact, maybe I brought this on myself. Maybe my endometriosis and upcoming hysterectomy are punishment for my negative views on having children. I had similar thoughts when I was pregnant with my son. I was terrified I would miscarry because I wasn't totally ready to have a child. These thoughts are insane, I know. But sometimes crazy thoughts feel real. I have been overwhelmed by guilt ever since I had my son. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mom since I didn't really yearn to be one in the first place. I honestly believe much of the time that I don't have the ability to be a good mom for the same reason. Now that I'm having a hysterectomy, I feel I have no right to be upset because I brought it on myself.
|"Guilt . . ." handmade card by cardsbyleslie|
All these thoughts were buzzing around in my head last night and suddenly, I broke out of it for just a moment. It was just enough time to realize I had a choice. I could wallow in guilt, sadness and of dreams that could never be . . . or I could push forward and find a way to rise above it. I thought about my husband, the most even-tempered person I know, and what he would say. He would say that I am a good mom and that what is happening is not a punishment. I have punished myself enough and I need to stop. I need to be easy on myself if I can get through this trial. I immediately felt so much better. I also prayed a lot last night and felt the comfort I needed.
|"Gratitude" archival print by Katie m. Berggren|
Sorry for getting so emotional but hopefully someone in a similar situation can read this and have some sense of comfort.