Thin Skin and Sour Grapes

On a Saturday in May 2008 I sat at a table pushing rubbery lasagna around my plate with a fork.  The overwhelming fishy stench from my neighbor’s seafood ravioli made my stomach turn.  It was lunchtime at the Nashville Screenwriter’s Conference.  I turned to the woman seated on my right and traded small talk.  She was a nurse so inspired by Brian Fuller’s “Pushing Daisies” that she turned to screenwriting.  I told her about my feature length romantic comedy (a script I wisely tossed years ago). 

A pasty man with curly hair that always appeared curiously wet approached our table and squatted.  He wore a large carved Adinkra pendant on top of a black t-shirt.  I had met him the day before.  A close talker, he tried to impress me with his business card featuring his book.  I inelegantly dropped the word “husband” to get him to back off.  He continued to whisper to me during a seminar.  I began talking about my kid (works every time!) and that blessedly freed me from him and his aura of aftershave.

Wet Head told the table how he was writing a screenplay about the friendship between J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis.  Someone commented that they didn’t know the two were friends.

“Yeah, they were real tight until Tolkien got his feelings hurt and started acting like a woman.”

I snapped my head up and glared at him.  I propped my elbow on the table and leaned forward.

“Really?”  I motioned to the women sitting at the table.  “Please tell us more about that,” I insisted in mock adoration.

The women at the table laughed.

“I think you just proved my point,” he retorted.

He continued to drone on about his screenplay until he realized no one was listening.  He rapped the table twice with his knuckles and slinked away.

                                                  .                          .                        .

This year was the fifth time I've entered the Academy Nicholl Fellowships Screenwriting Competition.  I was a Quarterfinalist in 2009 yet I haven't been able to crack it since then.  This year I made the top 20%, an improvement from last year.  This year I most looked forward to reader comments.  For the first time, the competition provided reader comments for and additional $40.  

My comments were somewhat helpful.  One was a little snarky but tame compared to other workshops I've attended.  Truth be told, I was (like many other participants) underwhelmed.  There wasn't much thought put into the critiques.  The comments were dominated by personal taste more than attention to actual craft.  

However, they were nothing like the reader comment Rachel Koller received:

"With some judicious alterations, [the script] might make a decent porn picture, as the gals do seem kinda hot, at least on the page."

Yes.  This actually happened.  And it gets worse.

When Koller politely expressed concern on the Nicholl Facebook page, she was treated with contempt:

(for the full exchange, see this article) 

This is supposedly the most prestigious screenwriting competition in the world.  For me, I thought it was my only ticket to becoming a successful screenwriter.  For years I submitted draft after draft hoping I could somehow break through and get an agent or sale or something.  To see such carelessness and misogyny on the other side crushed me.  I felt my power had been taken from me.  My dreams and my hopes snatched away. As I melodramatically related to my best friend: 

At the same time, I felt a familiar sentiment simmering beneath my disappointment.  Of course.  This is how it is.  This is how it’s always been.  Did I really think that I had the same chance as a man?  Especially when all my protagonists are female?  Was I really so naïve to believe I had an equal shot?

Yes.  Yes I was.

While there were a lot of supportive comments from all genders (yes!) on the Facebook thread, as time went by, more and more dismissive comments surfaced.

There were comments after online articles about the controversy that were scarier and more hateful than these.  I don't want to visit those.  They speak for themselves.  These sly, disparaging comments cast the blame on Koller.  She was "begging for it."

It was infuriating.  

It was at this point when my buttons had been pushed too far.

Yeah, it was petty and crude ... but it made me feel good.  Why?  Because words have power.  Rachel Koller is certainly evidence of that.  I'm indebted to her for speaking up and giving us a peek behind that plush red curtain.  What's back there is ugly yet familiar.  Powerful but not indestructible.  

I'm now conscious that yes, the past and the odds are against me.  I'm also aware that I have the power to fight back: with words.  With characters.  With story.  I want to frickin' blowtorch the supposed limitations and expectations of my gender.  I will slay that beast behind the curtain until it's bloody mangled mess.  Every time it creeps back up, I will stomp on it.  For, as Zora Neale Hurston said: 

Most of all, however, I just want to do me.  I want to write.  I want to channel my anger, my sadness, my pain into energy for my work.  In a strange way, the opposition has given me a boost of confidence.  I have no idea what I will do now.  I don't know if I'll enter the Nicholl Fellowship competition again.  I have no idea how a chronically ill mom from Tennessee will possibly break into screenwriting.  I just know there is something in me that knows I can try.  

I'm not worried.

My worth is no longer tied up in what people think of my work, if they even think of it at all.  I know there's something in me, my own beast behind the curtain.  It's small.  It's strong.  It's feisty.  It will claw at your eyes if you try to stifle it.

I can't be bothered anymore.  I've got too much to do.  I bet you do too.  And I bet whatever you do, even if you mess up, it'll be beautiful.

Parting words from Zora:

Why I'm abandoning my NaNoWriMo story prematurely . . .

**FYI: This is a religious post.  The choices I describe in the essay are my own experiences.  Please don't think I'm judging you if you've made different choices.  This is really about me so please don't think I'm preaching to you!  If you relate, great.  If not, no worries!  We're all different and that's awesome.  You are awesome.**

I've lived a strange life for the past 8 years.  We've had financial difficulties (*cough* student loans *cough*) and have had to live with my parents all this time.  I've had several setbacks with my health.  I've been diagnosed with Hashimoto's, endometriosis, celiac disease, interstitial cystitis,  vulvadynia.  I also have nerve damage from four surgeries I had within a 13 month period.  Setbacks aside, we have been blessed with the awesomest boy ever just over 7 years ago!  I also started BiblioBags almost 5 years ago and I've made close to 200 purses.  Making purses still brings me such joy and peace.

My writing predates all of these happenings.  I've been writing my whole life and I decided to be a screenwriter when I was 17.  I was a quarterfinalist in the Nicholl Fellowship Screenwriting competition a few years ago and I'm still proud of that.  However, I haven't made the quarterfinals any time since.  It's been very frustrating.  I always feel that I should've "made it" by now.  That I should have something to show for my education and hard work.

I recently decided to focus the last few months of this year on my Etsy shop and to leave my script alone for awhile.  When November came around, my friend Rochelle started NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I thought it might be a great way to get back into the habit of writing every day, even if I wasn't working on my "main" screenplay.

I had another idea for a horror comedy that had been in my head for a little bit.  I began working and was making good progress.  However, I still felt scattered and confused about my life.  Should I be writing more?  Focusing on Etsy?  I need to rest more than healthy people my age but do I really need to nap as much as I do?  How are we ever going to move out of my parents' house anyway?

I started to pray every day about these questions.  I felt I was missing something.  I prayed very hard to see what that something was.

A few nights ago, I decided to tell my husband John about my story.  He nodded and chuckled at the right moments.  A couple of hours later, I could tell something was weighing on him.  John is very laid back and quiet but I could tell from his body language and the look on his face that something was wrong.  He looked to me and said, "Autumn, I just don't know about that story.  I'm just afraid that it could be a tad sacrilegious.  I don't know."

I could see he was really nervous about telling me.  Suddenly I realized that this was an answer to my prayers.  The story.  The story was not right.  I knew in my heart that I needed to stop writing it.  At first I resisted.  I'm an adult.  I can handle this.  There is nothing bad about this.  I'll make sure it's not too sacrilegious.  I'm not hurting anyone.  

I told John thanks and that I'd think about it.  He was so humble about it that I felt I should at least hear him out.  As time passed, it became clear.  The burden, the confusion I felt, had come in part from that story and my focus on it.  I wanted that burden gone.  I deleted my story and felt so much better.  I knew I did the right thing and I didn't even miss the story after it was gone despite the work I had put into it.

After I made that choice, other ideas came into my mind about other things that were holding me back.  One thought was to stop watching one of my favorite shows.  I admit, I had been ignoring that feeling for a week or so.  I prayed for help on that one.  TV shows and movies are my weaknesses.  I want to watch them because I want to learn more about my "craft" from them.  I want to know what the "industry" likes and what everyone is talking about.

Then a thought hit me.  If I truly want to be original and to stand out, why watch everything Hollywood is already putting out?  Aren't the majority of most movies just "reboots" of older, better movies?  If I really want to be original and to have my voice heard, I should stick to who I am.  I'm reminded of this quote:

And I'm a Mormon.

Does that mean I'm only going to watch PG movies and adapt "Pioneers in Petticoats" into a feature length film?  HECK. NO.  But I am going to be more selective in my entertainment choices and my writing subjects.

I believe my talents and interests came from Heavenly Father.  Who better than He to help me meet my potential?  If certain stories, TV shows or movies impair my vision or communication with the Spirit, how can I reach my goals?

In the meantime, I'll still be doing NaNoWriMo but I'm going to be writing essays about different experiences in my life.  They pretty much all will entail something completely humiliating I said or did that I can laugh at now.  Maybe I'll find a screenplay in there.  Who knows?  All I know is that I feel so much better already about the choices I'm making.  I know that if I pray and try hard to keep the commandments that good things will happen.

Oh and if you were wondering, I'm totally using this post towards my NaNoWriMo word count.  ;)

By Way of B: Part 2 Wherein the author is visited by a well-coifed ghost of her childhood past . . .

I got some emails and texts from friends after my previous post that made me realize that I never clarified if I was giving up on my screenplay (and/or writing) or not.

The night after I got the rejection email, I was full of vegan pizza (Mellow Mushroom really makes a great gluten-free vegan pizza!) and watching some pre-bedtime TV with my husband and son in our hotel room.  Somehow we stumbled onto an episode of Full House, my favorite show when I was a kid.  My six year old told me it "was so old."  I asked him how he could tell and he said, "It just looks old."  Thanks, kid.

Anyway, it was the episode where Uncle Joey made it on to Star Search but lost to the guy who would later go on to make "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist."

We turned it on just as declared his comedy career dead Joey backstage.  The scene follows like this:

Joey

I've been in the same rut for the last 10 years.  I've never been on Carson, Letterman or Arsenio.  lf that's not failure, I don't know what is.

Jesse

I'll tell you what is.  That attitude.  Your problem is the way that you're looking at success.  Do you love being a standup comic? 

Joey

Well, yeah.

Jesse

Have you made thousands of people laugh, millions tonight?

Joey

Well, yeah.

Jesse

Before this stupid deadline of yours, were you happy? 

Joey

Yes! 

Jesse

Personal happiness and bringing joy to others, it sounds like success to me.  Joey, I know how you feel.  I'm the same way, man.  I'm not where I wanna be with my music career.  Even if I never sell a record, I won't have one regret.  You know why? Because I love making music, and I'll never stop doing it.

John and I cracked up at the serendipitous timing of John Stamos's speech.  I don't know if it was God, the Doctor (oh, please let it be the Doctor) or a telepathic Nick at Nite programmer but I needed to hear that pep talk at that exact moment.  The fact that it came in the form of Full House made it all the more hilarious. 

But Uncle Jesse is right.  I know in my heart that if I gave up screenwriting, I would regret it forever.  I would wonder "What if?"  Even if I never sell a single word, I can't stop.  It's who I am.

And now I'll provide a window into my strange mind (if this post hasn't been strange enough).  I've always felt I would have success at screenwriting.  It's a simple belief but a strong one and it's always been with me.  That belief has spurred me to push myself to work and to write.  When I found out I didn't make the cut, I felt like I was totally lost.  Where was my reward?  What I now realize is that my belief is a reassurance, not an entitlement.  I took it as an entitlement for working super hard and getting everything just right.  When I was rejected, I felt I was horrible, everything was wrong and I sucked.  As I look back at it, I've decided to look at the belief as reassurance.  A reassurance that even though I'm not perfect and make mistakes, I can be a success.  I don't have to know everything.  I don't have to research for hours and get everything just right.  I can put my family first without having a storyboard ruling my life.  I can make my family a priority and still have a successful career.  I have a really awesome family and I can find joy in that instead of waiting for happiness in the form of a fellowship or a script sale.

I finally got to a point the other night where I was ready to read my script.  I hadn't read it since before the contest (back in May) and oh. My.  The dialogue in parts was SO bad.  The tone is all over the place.  Overall, I love the story and the characters.  I love their world.  I think it's plotted well.  But man!  I'm actually grateful the script was rejected!  For starters, I would be really embarrassed for more people to read it.  If by some strange fluke I won a fellowship or sold it, I would be mortified and probably wouldn't sell another script again.  I'm embarrassed to have my friends read it!  Secondly, I'm grateful that I could recognize how bad it was.  It means I do have some instinct and some knowledge about what I'm doing (or trying to do).  I have a direction.  I'm actually happy I made mistakes and that I (think) can fix them!

I am not quitting.  I'm going to polish my script and I'm going to submit it to the competition next year.  I'm also at work on a new one (a horror/comedy I've had swimming in my head for the past month).  I'm so grateful for awesome, talented friends and supporters.  I couldn't do it without you.  

Thanks, Uncle Jesse.

By Way of "B"

"There are times when the only way to get from A to C is by way of B." 

On the way down to Florida this week I got an email from the Academy Nicholl Fellowship Committee.  They had promised all the results for the quarterfinal round of their annual screenwriting competition would be announced by August 1st.  I wasn't expecting an email so soon.  

This past year (the third time I've entered this contest), I felt more confident than ever.  I worked very hard for a long time to make the story more character driven and the emotions more authentic.  My reader, best friend and all around coolest gingey ever really enjoyed the script.  This was a breakthrough seeing as she wasn't too fond of my previous draft (I got to the quarterfinals one year and then in the top 15% with that draft).  Rochelle is very frank and honest (that's why she's my BFF!) and so I trusted her opinion (and still do).  I felt I had done the best I could do and it was great.

I didn't get into the quarterfinals.  Not even in the top 15% or 20%.  I was told the following: 

"A little bit of good news: your script received two positive scores from first round readers and was read twice during the competition. It did fall outside the Top 20% of all entries. Beyond this, we do not provide exact numerical scores."

I'm still a little fuzzy on what that exactly means but in the moment I read it, it read failure.  I was devastated.  All that hard work and for what?  I was very tempted to give everything up during those first 24 hours.  It seemed like the harder I worked, the lower I scored!  Now, there were more than 1,000 extra entrants compared to the year I got in the quarterfinals.  The committee also changed the minimum screenwriting salary from $5000 to $25,000.  That means I was competing against people with more real experience than me.

In the end, those excuses don't matter.  I had a chance to talk with Scott Frank at a screenwriter's conference a few years ago and he said that if you submit your screenplay to this competition and you don't win a fellowship, then it's simply not good enough.  I said that sounded kind of harsh and he explained that a screenplay has to stand out.  Outside of the competition, he explained, there is so much more competition.  My screenplay has to compete with hundreds of thousands of scripts.  If mine can't stand out in 7000 or more scripts, how can it compete with hundreds of thousands?

It was hard to find out the screenplay I thought was amazing was only sub-par.   For the first time ever, I thought about giving up writing.  Rochelle assured me that I need to give myself time before I made any choices.  My husband and mom told me not to give up.  These reassurances kept me from metaphorically jumping of the ledge for the moment.  The fact we were at the beach also helped.

After the initial shock I realized that while my screenplay needed work, I needed even more work.  I had let my confidence slowly grow into egotism.  I let myself get a big head.  That big head lead to big disappointment and a desire to make big choices to satisfy the vast emptiness left behind by unfulfilled expectations.

While searching for some answers and inner peace, I came across this video.  I had seen it many times but this time it spoke to me personally.

If you're not into the churchy stuff, I'll summarize.  Sometimes we have to go down unexpected roads in order to find the right way.  Sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to learn.  Sometimes accidents or other problems out of our control cause us to take a different path than the one we planned.  And that's okay.  That's life!  I'm embarrassed and disappointed I didn't place in the competition but maybe this is the only way I can be a better writer.  I'm learning that I need to be humble and gain all the knowledge I can.  I've been given some great opportunities to work with those who have experience in the film industry.  The road isn't completely dark to me.  It's just new.  

This experience has taught me lessons I can apply to my life in general.  Enduring autoimmune diseases and the resulting surgeries, physical therapy, painful procedures, strict diets and dealing with financial issues and living with my parents for several years . . . all of these are absolutely not the roads I thought I'd have to take!  But maybe I'm here because there is much for me to learn here.  I can learn to have more empathy and patience with others.  I'm also learning that my social standing, career (or lack thereof) is not the final say in who I am.  They don't make me unworthy.  I am more than my failures, illnesses, etc.  I just have to find my ground so I can have true confidence, not the puffed up kind I've had for the past few months.

What do you do when you find yourself on a road you didn't expect?