"Are We Not All Mothers?"

Me and my lil' guy.

It started about a week and a half ago.  The anxiety, the dread.

Mothers Day Sunday was coming up.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints puts a lot of emphasis on family and none more than on Mothers Day.  Most Sacrament meetings on that day will feature the children singing a song about mothers and one to three talks about the importance of motherhood.  Often flowers or chocolate are given out to women aged 12 and up.

I once lived in a ward where a leader at the pulpit declared, "May I ask all the mothers here to stand?"

All the mothers stood up.

"Now, all the wives stand up."

All the wives stood up.

"All future mothers, stand up."

It was a humiliating exercise.  I think his intentions were good but woefully misguided.  Other misguided efforts I've merely heard of but not experienced include excusing mothers from having to fulfill their callings, serving desserts and "parties" during Relief Society--all during church hours.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not criticizing church doctrine.  I'm questioning church culture.  In a church where the importance of families is consistently underscored, is it really necessary to turn Mothers Day meetings into what a friend of mine aptly described as a "three ring circus"?

Thankfully, my own branch celebrates Mothers Day fairly modestly.  There is sometimes a Primary number and one or two talks about mothers.  After church, the young men are assigned to hand out flowers to women as they leave.  Last year, one of the young men sheepishly passed out single roses to every woman that went by.  I could tell how awkward he felt about the assignment.  As he handed me my rose I asked,  "How does it feel to be The Bachelor?"

More Charlie love.  

Despite the low key approach of my particular branch, Mothers Day at church is bittersweet for me.  As I talk about constantly on this blog (at least I feel like it's constantly!), I only have one ovary left to my name.  The rest of my reproductive system was cleared out like a fire sale at a furniture store.  "Everything must go!"  I'm blessed with the coolest kid ever.  He's whip smart, cheerful and healthy.  Despite that,  there is still pain in my heart.  The door to bearing children is closed.  Mothers Day at church (as well as baby showers and the occasional Johnson and Johnson commercial) gives rise to those feelings I work hard to keep under control.

Feeling that pain, I can only imagine how women with bigger problems than mine feel.  I know many women that don't attend church on Mothers Day simply because it's too painful.  It's not limited to women; many men who had abusive mothers, no mothers at all, an ill mothers feel uncomfortable at church.

Many may think these people are too sensitive.  You might think I'm overreacting.  Why should we tone down Mothers Day traditions to appease a small pocket of people?  In a wonderful talk, Marlin K. Jensen says:

The desired outcomes of a gospel-centered life are held up as ideals for which we are all encouraged to strive. Although such ideals are doctrinally based and represent desirable objectives in our quest for eternal life, they can sometimes become sources of disappointment and pain for those whose lives may vary from the ideal.  Even when they are worthy, members whose lives don’t fit the ideal and thus are considered different often feel inferior and guilty. These feelings are heightened when we as their brothers and sisters fail to be as thoughtful and sensitive toward them as we ought to be.   

 We have to remember who leads the church and the true purpose of Sunday meetings.  Elder Jensen puts it this way:

"It is inconceivable that the Savior would do or say anything that would intensify the pains of or injure any of God’s children."

That is the answer.  Do our cultural traditions uplift or defeat?  Is a tradition worth continuing if it only hurts those who are hurting more?  I'm not saying we shouldn't acknowledge Mothers Day.  Far from it.  I don't have specific answers about what we should and shouldn't do.  Obviously that is up to each individual branch and what's appropriate for their circumstances.  However, I believe that we should recognize and include all women, not just women with children.  All women are mothers.

"ALL women!"

On Mothers Day, I suggest instead of focusing on what we should have, maybe we can focus on what we do have.  What all women have.  Sheri "The Awesome" Dew (I gave her that nickname) said:

While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born.  Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

Almost two years ago, my dad took our entire family to Disney World for his 65th birthday.  It was special, magical and exhausting.  Charlie was 6 at the time and had never been to an amusement park much less a real vacation.  It was overwhelming for him, and he whined for a lot of the trip.  John and I lost patience with him frequently.

Charlie and Caroline

Every time John and I were D-O-N-E with Charlie, my 8 year old niece Caroline would intuitively take his hand.  It happened every day.  Charlie adores and looks up to Caroline so having her attention would immediately calm him down and give us a break.  She would sit next to him on the bus we would take from the resort to the park every day.  She would talk to him and listen.  She was so patient with him and kind.  It really warmed my heart and helped me to calm down and let go of my frustration.  Caroline is proof to me that all women are mothers.

I've been so blessed to have teachers, friends and even young nieces act as mothers to my son.  I cannot do it alone.  Thank you to all who have made my journey as a mother lighter by helping me with my burdens and sharing your love and talents.

I hope this Mothers Day we can be a little kinder and empathetic to others.  I hope we can reach out to others and share the gifts we've been given as mothers.

For Sheri Dew's full talk, "Are We Not All Mothers?" read here.  It's one of my favorite talks of all time ("of ALL time!").

Another talk that goes along with this topic is Marlin K. Jensen's wonderful "Those Who Are Different" (spoiler: We're all different.).

Why I'm abandoning my NaNoWriMo story prematurely . . .

**FYI: This is a religious post.  The choices I describe in the essay are my own experiences.  Please don't think I'm judging you if you've made different choices.  This is really about me so please don't think I'm preaching to you!  If you relate, great.  If not, no worries!  We're all different and that's awesome.  You are awesome.**

I've lived a strange life for the past 8 years.  We've had financial difficulties (*cough* student loans *cough*) and have had to live with my parents all this time.  I've had several setbacks with my health.  I've been diagnosed with Hashimoto's, endometriosis, celiac disease, interstitial cystitis,  vulvadynia.  I also have nerve damage from four surgeries I had within a 13 month period.  Setbacks aside, we have been blessed with the awesomest boy ever just over 7 years ago!  I also started BiblioBags almost 5 years ago and I've made close to 200 purses.  Making purses still brings me such joy and peace.

My writing predates all of these happenings.  I've been writing my whole life and I decided to be a screenwriter when I was 17.  I was a quarterfinalist in the Nicholl Fellowship Screenwriting competition a few years ago and I'm still proud of that.  However, I haven't made the quarterfinals any time since.  It's been very frustrating.  I always feel that I should've "made it" by now.  That I should have something to show for my education and hard work.

I recently decided to focus the last few months of this year on my Etsy shop and to leave my script alone for awhile.  When November came around, my friend Rochelle started NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I thought it might be a great way to get back into the habit of writing every day, even if I wasn't working on my "main" screenplay.

I had another idea for a horror comedy that had been in my head for a little bit.  I began working and was making good progress.  However, I still felt scattered and confused about my life.  Should I be writing more?  Focusing on Etsy?  I need to rest more than healthy people my age but do I really need to nap as much as I do?  How are we ever going to move out of my parents' house anyway?

I started to pray every day about these questions.  I felt I was missing something.  I prayed very hard to see what that something was.

A few nights ago, I decided to tell my husband John about my story.  He nodded and chuckled at the right moments.  A couple of hours later, I could tell something was weighing on him.  John is very laid back and quiet but I could tell from his body language and the look on his face that something was wrong.  He looked to me and said, "Autumn, I just don't know about that story.  I'm just afraid that it could be a tad sacrilegious.  I don't know."

I could see he was really nervous about telling me.  Suddenly I realized that this was an answer to my prayers.  The story.  The story was not right.  I knew in my heart that I needed to stop writing it.  At first I resisted.  I'm an adult.  I can handle this.  There is nothing bad about this.  I'll make sure it's not too sacrilegious.  I'm not hurting anyone.  

I told John thanks and that I'd think about it.  He was so humble about it that I felt I should at least hear him out.  As time passed, it became clear.  The burden, the confusion I felt, had come in part from that story and my focus on it.  I wanted that burden gone.  I deleted my story and felt so much better.  I knew I did the right thing and I didn't even miss the story after it was gone despite the work I had put into it.

After I made that choice, other ideas came into my mind about other things that were holding me back.  One thought was to stop watching one of my favorite shows.  I admit, I had been ignoring that feeling for a week or so.  I prayed for help on that one.  TV shows and movies are my weaknesses.  I want to watch them because I want to learn more about my "craft" from them.  I want to know what the "industry" likes and what everyone is talking about.

Then a thought hit me.  If I truly want to be original and to stand out, why watch everything Hollywood is already putting out?  Aren't the majority of most movies just "reboots" of older, better movies?  If I really want to be original and to have my voice heard, I should stick to who I am.  I'm reminded of this quote:

And I'm a Mormon.

Does that mean I'm only going to watch PG movies and adapt "Pioneers in Petticoats" into a feature length film?  HECK. NO.  But I am going to be more selective in my entertainment choices and my writing subjects.

I believe my talents and interests came from Heavenly Father.  Who better than He to help me meet my potential?  If certain stories, TV shows or movies impair my vision or communication with the Spirit, how can I reach my goals?

In the meantime, I'll still be doing NaNoWriMo but I'm going to be writing essays about different experiences in my life.  They pretty much all will entail something completely humiliating I said or did that I can laugh at now.  Maybe I'll find a screenplay in there.  Who knows?  All I know is that I feel so much better already about the choices I'm making.  I know that if I pray and try hard to keep the commandments that good things will happen.

Oh and if you were wondering, I'm totally using this post towards my NaNoWriMo word count.  ;)