BiblioBags: Where Every Purse has a Story...: "Slut"

It was a rainy afternoon and I had no umbrella. The school bus dropped me off at the church building where my Geo Metro was parked. I was a novice driver so my parents only allowed me to drive to early morning seminary and then home after school. As I approached my car, I sensed something was not right. The roof and hood were littered with used napkins, cups and even an old sock. A large Krispy Kreme box, limp from the rain, lay on the windshield. I opened it to find a message scribbled in marker: "EAT SOME DONUTS YOU SKINNY SLUT."

It's hard to describe my feelings that day. I didn't immediately cry. I reluctantly showed my parents the box (my father was branch president so I knew he'd want to know about it). I was sheepish, as if I had written the note myself. It wasn't the "skinny" accusation; people had called me anorexic for years. I was underweight despite efforts to gain weight (I admit, sometimes I wish I still had that problem). I knew I didn't have an eating disorder, so it didn't bother me. It was the other word. So simple. Only one syllable.

"Slut."

At this point in my life, I hadn't even kissed a boy. I dressed modestly, not even wearing sleeveless clothing. The label didn't fit me in the least but it felt true. The word had power. I gave the word power over me. I wasn't angry at the boys that did it (they apologized and I forgave them a long time ago). I was ashamed of myself.

I admit, I wasn't totally innocent. I had (have) a big mouth. A nasty mouth. I didn't cuss but I was good with insults. They were lightning fast and searing, often without provocation. I did it because I could. The car incident was retribution for my big mouth. I was a arrogant jerk but not a slut. Not even close. So why did it hurt me so much? Why could I not look my father in the eye when I showed him the box?

I have no answers, only ideas. Here's a great quote to ponder:

Slut-bashing– as I call it–is one issue that affects every single female who grows up in this country because any preteen or teenage girl can become a target. “Slut” is a pervasive insult applied to a broad spectrum of American adolescent girls, from the girl who brags about her one-night stands to the girl who has never even kissed a boy to the girl who has been raped. Some girls are made fun of because they appear to have a casual attitude about sex (even if, in reality, they are no more sexual than their peers). Many others are picked on because they stand out in some way–being an early developer, new in school, an ethnic or class minority, overweight, or just considered “weird” for whatever reason. Some are called “sluts” because other girls dislike over envy them, and spread a sexual rumor as a form of revenge. While a girl can almost instantly acquire a “slut” reputation as a result of one well-placed rumor, it takes months, if not years, for the reputation to evaporate–if it does at all.

[Leora Tanenbaum (Harper Paperbacks, 2000.): Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation, p. xv.]

"Slut-shaming" is still alive and well over a decade after the donut box incident. Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke's "performance" at the VMAs last week has made everyone an expert in morality and modesty. My Facebook newsfeed has been inundated with links to "open letters" to sons, daughters and teenagers in general. I found all but one at the least, misguided and at the most, dangerous. Obviously, I'm leading up to Kim Hall's now infamous blog post, FYI (if you're a teenage girl). In this "open letter" to her sons' female Facebook friends, Mrs. Hall warns that if they don't stand up to her family's standards, they'll be unfriended.

"I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it? You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?
And so, in our house, there are no second chances with pics like that, ladies. We have a zero tolerance policy. I know, so lame. But, if you want to stay friendly with our sons online, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent. If you post a sexy selfie (we all know the kind), or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – it’s curtains."

At first, Mrs. Hall's attitude and stringent measures can seem reasonable in our technology-driven age. While some of her methods are strange, I agree that children should have their technology monitored. There is so much temptation and danger for children in social media. Trying to keep one's children safe from the constant barrage of sex and other worldly dangers is overwhelming. It's a nearly impossible task. Thus, by unfriending these girls gets some of that temptation out of the way.

Only there's this problem. These girls are human. Not only human, but at a tender age where their emotional maturity has yet to catch up with their physical maturity. Many of us would like to rid our children from friends whom we deem unsavory. The easiest way to do this is to objectify them. It's so much simpler to brand a girl (or a boy) as a "slut" than to see them as flawed human beings.

I'm not saying we should allow our children to friend anyone that comes along. There are obvious dangers (pedophiles, rapists, murderers, etc.) involved. I just think by making the opposite sex the enemy, we breed fear in our children. Fear leads to unhealthy attitudes about the other gender and sex in general. If a girl is nothing more than an object, it's easier to take advantage of her. If someone rapes her, it's her fault because hey, she's a slut. Think I'm exaggerating? What about the statutory rape case in Montana?

My silly donut story is nothing compared to what can and has happened to girls who have been slut-shamed. The Belle Jar also reminds us what slut-shaming can do to girls in our tech fueled age:

When I read Mrs. Hall’s letter, the first people that I thought of were Amanda Todd, Retaeh Parsons, Audrie Pott, Cherice Morales. In each of these cases, photographs of the girls that showed them either in various states of undress, or else showed them being sexually assaulted, or in some instances both at the same time, were circulated on social media. In each of these cases, the girls became social pariahs. In each of these cases, the girls committed suicide after enduring bullying and slut-shaming both online and offline.

I think Mrs. Hall had good intentions. I don't think she wanted to hurt anyone with her post. I think she was being a "mama bear" trying to protect her cubs. All mothers have had the same urge to protect their children from threats real or exaggerated. That urge, however, is fueled by fear. Decisions based in fear are usually selfish and damaging, even if they began with good intentions. We must remember that we are not just mothers; we are also women. We were young once. We've made mistakes. Please consider that these girls may not understand what they are doing when they take provocative pictures. Some may know exactly what they are doing. It doesn't matter. Whether you let your kids friend these girls or not, just remember that they are more than bra-less pictures. They are humans that deserve dignity whether they choose to use it or not. Many people are attributed to the following quote; all of us need to use it as a guide: